Halloween '03: Night of the Living Phonies

03 NOV 2003
VeriSEAL

Ding Dong ...

"Trick or treat!"

And what are you supposed to be, little boy?

"I'm Patrick Ozosky."

Patrick Ozosky, eh?  Where's your costume?

"I'm an identity-theft victim."

I see.  That seems to be a very popular costume around here, Patrick.  Didn't we catch you disguised as a SEAL about four years ago?

"That wasn't me."

So you're not the Patrick Ozosky who said he was a SEAL --

"Identity theft."

Right.  I get it.  Okay then, what can we do for you, Patrick Ozosky the identity-theft victim?

"I was suprised to see that someone has attempted to slander me by placing me in this site. I have never claimed to be a SEAL, and have never worked as a prison guard. I have no tattoos either. I don't know where you get your info, but I would at least think you would have concrete evidence to prove this stuff. I have served for 17 years in the Military and have been deployed in Desert Storm and Iraqi Freedom. (Both verifiable by DD 214). Please remove my name from this site."

Well, that is kinda scary, Patrick, but I dunno ...

"I spent 6 years active in the Air Force, 4 years Active Air Force Reserve, Commissioned USNR 1996 in the Nurse Corp. My current rank is 03E. I would greatly appreciate your assistance in this matter, as I would never take credit where credit is not due."

Hmm.  Nice effort, but it's not very original, Patrick.  Let me get a second opinion.  Hey, Hoot, come over here and have a look at this ...

I recall this anal specific.  He was the nurse at the Metro Police Jail in Las Vegas.  I spoke to him on the phone and advised him to get that tattoo removed post haste.  He said he had been dropped from BUD/S class 146 because of knee problems.  Patrick, I called you at your work, the North Las Vegas Detention center about the "Trident" insignia you had tattooed on your back.  You informed me that you had been dropped from BUD/S training because of physical injuries.  I informed you at that time to have the tattoo removed, and mentioned you may be visited by SpecWar members to confer with you.  You were all apologetic about the incident. Don't try to weasel out of the situation.  Get the Tattoo removed.

Sorry, Patrick.  Looks like your costume didn't trick anyone.  Especially Hoot.  He fought in three wars, so he's seen a lot more than most.  And he has a pretty sharp memory.

"But I did remove the tattoo! That's why I said I had no tattoos!"

Mm-hmm.

"And I was never a prison guard!"

Prison Guard, prison nurse.  Whatever.  Still a phony SEAL, Patrick.  And still a liar.

"Bu...bu...but I'm still very sorry for this incident, so please remove my name."

No.  Here's a Boy Scout handbook and some more rope.  Now go find a sturdy elm and really scare somebody.  Happy Halloween!

"But --"

Okay, buh-bye.

Ding Dong ...

"Trick or treat!"

Whoa!  What are you?

"I'm Damien Hellstorm."

Is that Swedish?  Oh, I remember you.  You're the one with an invisible attorney to keep the consequences of your lies at bay.  Batteries not included.

"No, no, no. That was last year. This year Damien Hellstorm is just a random web surfer who happens upon the VeriSEAL website completely by accident."

You mean while he was doing an Internet search for "Dahmein McFadden"?

"Yeah -- I mean, No! ... I mean, how did you know that?"

We're professionals.  Skittle?

"No, thanks. Look, I really am Damien Hellstorm, not Dahmein McFadden, okay?"

Whatever you say, kid.  But we already know who you are.  You're Dahmein McFadden.  You're the fake SEAL who was "Director of Youth Services" at Morningside Alliance (http://www.morningsidealliance.org) in New York.  And back in 2000, you tried to get hired for security at the Hope2000 computer security convention in New York.  You told them you had been a SEAL for 12-years.  We told them you weren't.  You also said you were a SEAL in several online profiles.  Got 'em right here.  Wanna see?

"Not really. Look, just play along, will ya, Mister?

Geez.  This is ridiculous.  What kind of moronic name is Damien Hellstorm, anyway?  Okay, fine.  You're Damien Hellstorm.  What do you want?

"I'll have to start over."

Go ahead.

"Thanks ... Ahem ... Trick or trea --"

Yeah, yeah.  Cut to the chase, kid.

"Okay ... Is this legal to have people name (sic) and info about them on your site also stating that they may be also doing other illegal stuff. Just want to know, i (sic) think its (sic) a great site my date (sic) was a Ranger he is no longer with us."

You think it's a great site?  But you're listed in the Hall of Shame, dumbass.

"Not Damien Hellstorm"

Oh, yeah.  I forgot.  You're not Dahmein McFadden right now.  You're disguised.  What did you just say about your "date" being a Ranger?  I don't think there are any female Rangers, Dahm -- I mean, Damien.  I could be wrong, but I doubt it.  Wait a minute, are you saying you're ... Oh, I get it.  Yikes!  That's frightening.  I'm really not interested in your sexual preferences, though --

"Thass it, Muthaf%#&er! I will have my lawyers contact you ASAP. I never stated i (sic) was a Seal (sic). I'm not about to go fight in a white man (sic) army to go kill others that the white man are trying to keep down. If my name is not remove (sic) from this site i (sic) promise you this. You may be elite with warefare (sic) stuff but I have a lawyer who is into warefare (sic) also."

Here we go again.  I thought you were supposed to be a different Damien Hellstorm this year.

"F%#& you, Muthaf%#&er!"

Oh dear.  Well, okay, we look forward to hearing from your counsel.  Hey, no need to throw your modified "Damien Hellstorm" costume on the deck.  So it didn't fool us.  Aw jeez, will you stop crying, kid?  You need a tissue or something?

"I would like you phone (sic) # of your agency. I would love to hear you comments (sic) on black listing people. I would like my name off this list."

Not a chance.

"You state that the people listed are or could be known for other crimes."

That has been our experience.

"I just want to let you know, i (sic) work with homeless people and helping them get their lives together. I'm married and a child on the way I asking (sic) you to remove please (sic). My first Amendment right was broken and Infliction of Emotional Distress. If you feel i will go around saying am (sic) a seal (sic). Well you have nothing to worry about.

But you did go around saying you were a SEAL.  A lot.  You probably still do.

"Well if i (sic) offended any with my past lies well, that was then. If you want me to write a statement of regret i will. I have no time to try to sue a company that i believe want to do the right thing -- Hey, are you listening to me, Mister?"

Sorry, I was looking for my violin.  What were you saying?  Hey, don't run off!  You forgot your costume! ... Happy Halloween!  See ya next year!

Ding Dong ...

"Trick or treat!"

Hello there, little man.  Say, what happened to your costume?  You're all sweaty and covered with dirt.  Who are you supposed to be?

"I'm David Silbergeld."

Waterman!!!......

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